So, i found the box of stuff i made after nolan i broke up. it was filled with the presents, paintings, letters and poems he had sent/made me. before i went to austin my mom was supposed to hide it so i could look at it at a later time when i was ready. however, when cleaning my room i realized she had put it in my closet. so of course with my nature i got it out and started sorting through it, and i realized something. i dont think i will ever be able to get close to something again. in every letter in every poem he told me he would never leave would always care and never stop loving me. He even consistently said he was scared i would wake up one day and leave him. however, look at me now....
love is a fucking joke

I know longer cry everyday
my heart no longer aches every second of the day
I can sleep through the night without dreaming of him
so why do i still think of him everyday and wonder what he is doing?

There's a plane and I am flying
There's a mountain waiting for me
Oh these years have been so trying
I don't know if I can use them
Am I strong enough To be the one
Will I live to have some children

My sugar sweet Is so atainable
This behaviour so unexplainable
The days just slip and slide Like they always did
The trouble is my head Won't let me forget
I took one last good look around So many unusual sounds
I gotta get my feet on the ground
Help me get down I can make it

If I only knew the answer
And if all our days are numbered
I wouldn't be bothering you
Would you help me get down
If I only knew the answer
If I change my way of living
And If I pave my streets with good times
Will the mountain keep on giving

It's morning time, wonder where you arewonder who you're talking towonder if the sun has risen where you areit's morning time, i miss your hands on my skinthis bed's too big without youoh god, what do i do?I'm a thousand miles away, and I'm lying next to you.The sun shines golden, and I feel like my cara little run down, a little beat up, maybe just a little greenmaybe it's my battery, maybe it's my starter,maybe my heart's too weakthere's just this feeling, thought I had to get goinggot too scary, got too big, got to get out of herebut now i don't know how to get home.oh god, what do I do?I'm a thousand miles away, and lying next to you.Mama says take my vitamins,daddy says "girl, don't stay out so late"sister says "there's other fishes in the sea"but love is not a rational thing, and my heart is beyond adviceno, love is not a rational thingoh god, what do I do?I'm a thousand miles away, and lying next to you.these fields stretch out like patchwork, on my granny's quiltshe used to tell me that"life is a series of strange and mysterious thingsone minute you think you're up, the next you find you're down"your mind says "girl, you gotta stick around"but your heart says "I'm too weak in the knees"oh god, what do I do?I'm a thousand miles away, and lying next to you.

Why is everything so frustrating? I thought i got my life back together and then everything falls apart again. I think that im over with nolan and then drive home from edmond bawling because im so upset. I just want to be happy again. i want to be content. everything is so frustrating.


First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
The weight of water, the way you taught me to look past everything I had ever learned
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love
And I don't know where to look
My words just break and melt
Please just save me from this darkness
Please just save me from this darkness

im done with this shit.

I am going to figure out myself and make ME happy

fuck the bullshit i have been through the past year and a half

will it ever get better? Today i found out that i lost my job at home because I was going to be gone too long. I have no friends and i feel like everyone hates me here. I try to call to go do things with them but they never answer or they will say they will call me back and never do. I have lost a job my bestfriend and my boyfriend in the span on 2 months. why is this happening?

So im sitting here judging this debate round and during prep time i went on facebook and started looking at my pictures. well I have a lot of nolan and i and i almost broke down in the middle of the round. I know I need to take them down but i cant bring myself to do it. They are memories i dont wont to forget. i miss him so much. I dont want it to be over anymore. I just want him to come back

so, Im pretty much over the fact that nolan and I will never be. however, I am lonely and by myself in Austin. Im not trying to whine or be dramatic it just sucks not having a friend. i work from 9 untill like 5 and then i just sit in my room and watch tv. everyone here is like twice my age and i dunno I just cant seem to make any friends really. I miss jana. My mom is coming to visit me this weekend which is awesome because i need someone really bad. I just wish she could take me home with her when she leaves. I guess this alone time will give me time to reflect and think about what im going to do with my life when I get home.

ok so im back from my hole that i called a relationship. so im sure you all know that nolan broke up with me. Im dealing with it, the best i can. however, Im in austin and have no one here with me so im lonely. I guess your first love will always linger with you. I need to get over this bullshit. he wasnt good for me anyways. I still cant get over the fact that i still care about him and what him to be happy. he wont talk to me and is moving to portland. I just need closure. i guess its back to depressed amy. are there any boys out there that want to get together? lol

I have not updated in awhile
things that have happened-
*I moved into my apartment with bon and stacy
*I started college
*I started college debate
*Nolan and I are still doing awesome!

thats all for now

i just thought i would do a quick update. I havent really been home alot lately so i havent updated. I move into the apartment the 2nd week of august, im a little nervous about it. i dont want to live in a party house so we will see how things go. Stacy, Andy and I went and taught at cameron debate camp last week. It was interesting to say the least....


"Cause you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button now
so cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe, whoa breath just breathe
There's a light at each end of this tunnel
you shout cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made You'll just make them again if you'll only try turnin' around"

"This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach
Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go
And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home"

"And there was never any place
For someone like me to be Totally happy
I'm running out of clock and that Ain't a shock
Some things never do change
Never do change "

I need to be more active
any suggestions?


ugh im so bored ALL THE TIME

Bonnie and Stacy moved into the apartment on tuesday. Im moving into it in september and bonnie moves out. confusing i know.

quotes of the week:

Stacy-"I want the sun dried tomato kind"
Sarah-"Is that even a kind?"
Stacy-"I dont know?"


Nolan-"dont get me wrong i like sex, but sometimes i just want to talk"

I passed all my classes!

yay no more high school!!!

"And we're all so strong when nothing's wrong
And the world is at our feet
But how small we are when our love is far away
And all you need is you"

i could potentially be really fucked.

nothing i can do now just have to wait and deal with it when it comes.


graduation was fun. long, but fun.

I want a monkey.

correction: I NEED a monkey.

I am writing about nothing so i can stall studying for my english final

Im incredibly stressed out/depressed today.

3 more days and then im done with high school.

hopefully.

why am i writing in weird short sentences?

who knows, im crazy.

well, i must be off to go study about those damn kids who got stranded on an island and make sure i know all the poetry devices hahhahaha

im fucking insane.

I am so stressed out......


1 more real day of school and then finals

graduation saturday

fucking scary as hell

I have mono.

And im fucking awesome.

thats all.


"Our love was comfortable
And so broken in"

Things I need to do:

Graduate high school

enroll in college



hmm easier said then done. To graduate I have to pass my classes. To enroll in college i have to get a new id because i lost mine. simple enough right? well no because i have lost my birth certificate, which you have to have in order to get a license and i have to go to the health place on 10th street to get a new one. the problem is they close at 4 and i dont get out of school untill 3:30 errrrrrrrrrr. it never ends.

so, for the past 5 days i have had the virus from hell. my throat was completely swollen shut for awhile. it was horrible. I have never been so sick in my life. i am getting better but i still feel a bit ill.


this week has been great let me tell ya

Love can make you do incredibily stupid things.

so im going to approach things calmly and rationally. I have to think things through. just one question though. What the hell did i do to deserve all this bullshit? Im starting to think what someone told me a few months ago is true; i do deserve all that comes to me.......

I have never felt so humilated in all my life. Its a small world we live in. how random is it that nolans cheats on me once again and the girl he does it with just happens to be in my 2nd hour earth science class. huh what the fuck.

last night was prom. Well not really prom because we didnt go. however, we did dress up and go to bahama breeze and then go to my house and drink. It was really fun. Hell must have frozen over because shareen and avery were getting along. It was really weird. I got so unbelievably drunk. I didnt go to sleep untill like 7. 10 people were expected to crash at my house but only nolan ended up staying the night because noone had any places to sleep. i really need to write my paper for ap government. I really really dont want too. grrrrr

I'm so bored and such a loser

FIRSTS
1. First best friend: Shara
2. First love: hmmm i guess nolan
3. First real kiss: this guy named cory
4. First pet: patches
5. First car: ford taurus

LASTS
1. Last cigarette: 2 hours ago
2. Last kiss: wednsday
3. Last good cry: sunday
4. Last beverage drank: water
5. Last food consumed:pepperoni grill


RELATIONSHIPS
1. Who is your best friend: probably stacy but shareen will probably always be my best friend (weird bond thing)
2. Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend: "dating" nolan

FASHION STUFF
1. Where are your favorite places to shop: old navy, target haha
2. Favorite item of clothing: hmm flip flops hah

SPECIFICS
1. Do you do drugs: not really
2. What kind of shampoo do you use: dove
3. What are you most scared of: being a failure, knives and guns
4. What would you change about yourself: i would procrastinate less, not be paranoid as hell and be a better student

FAVORITES
1. Colors: yellow
2. Foods: mexican
3. Subject in school: history
4. Animals: cats
5. Sports: gymnastics
6. Movie: haha right now the notebook

HAVE YOU EVER.
1. Given anyone a bath: yeah like kids i babysit
2. Smoked: unfortunately, yes
3. Made yourself throw-up: because i was really drunk and sick, yeah
4. Skinny dipped: yes
5. Been in love: yes

CURRENT
1. Clothes: pajama pants and t shirt
2. Music: none
3. Make-up: none

LAST PERSON
1. Hugged: nolan
2. Last person who slept at your house: bonnie
3. Last persons house you slept at: nolan

RANDOM
1. In the morning I am: sleepy and grumpy
2. Love is: amazing
3. I dream about: being content

24 days until graduation. Very scary. I feel like just yesterday I was a freshman attending Putnam city, and instead of figuring out my college situation my only worry was figuring out where I was going to debate camp. I decided this weekend that I did more exciting things as a freshman then I do now. Its very frustrating. Eric came home last week. I have mixed emotions on that front. I want to spend time with him because lets face it he had a big place in my life as a friend but I'm so angry at him for the decisions he has made. He called me the other day from his new apartment, it was rather strange. Oh well, we shall see what happens. I feel like the next few weeks is the calm before the storm with school, friends, Nolan and even family. My world doesn't feel right and I cant quite figure out why. I think im going to focus my time on trying to make amends to people I have wronged in the past. I feel like I'm growing as a persyn and to make it complete I don't want to have any enemies. Anyways, today I didn't have to go to school untill 12:30 it was very nice. Nolan got to come over last night because of that too, which was an added plus. We watched some weird movie and then I went to sleep. That is about all I do these days, watch movies and sleep. Oh and go to stacy's and Nolan's. I take that back this weekend we did play brainquest. Sigh. I did have a pretty good time last week at stacys. I stayed there all week because her parents were out of town. On 4-20 we smoked, and Stacy and I were acting ridiculous. It was a good time. I couldn't form complete sentences so it just sounded like I was a crazy persyn. Well I'm going to bed.


Amy

Here. A little sympathy for you to waste on me
I know you're faking it but that's okay
And I don't want to drag it out
Don't want to bring you down
I never wanted it to end this way

Even if I wanted to
I don't think that I'd get to you
There's nothing I can say to you to make you feel alive again

Here. A little jealousy
I hope you think of me
Hope you wonder where I sleep at night
Cause I feel like I'm inside out
You got me upside down
Maybe I was holding on too tight

Even if I wanted to
I don't think that I'd get to you
There's nothing I can say to you to make you feel alive again

So don't just say goodbye to me
Just turn your back away and leave
And if you're lucky I will be your last regret, your only friend

The two of us we dream like one
The two of us, the two of us
The two of use take breath like one
The two of us, the two of us

I guess that this is over now
I guess it's called the falling out
But everyday I'm learning how to make it through this life I'm in

Even if I wanted to
I don't think that I'd get to you
There's nothing I can say to you to make you feel alive again

So don't just say goodbye to me
Just turn your back away and leave
And if you're lucky I will be your last regret, your only friend

So i need to stop looking at people xangas. i keep learning things that i dont want to know. damn it to hell.


I got accepted to UCO today. Exciting stuff.


prom is this weekend. we are partying at my house.

"leave a message on your phone
just to find out you're not home
keeping up with you is something i could never do
and i know something's wrong because
you've been gone too long
a fucking waste of my time is all that you've become
if i can't be the guy that you've always wanted me to be
if i can't say the words that you always wanted me to say
if i fall in the end, will you be holding on to me?
because you, you said you'd never leave me
the choice is up to youto find out what to do
to let it go or keep kicking me to the side
i'm getting tired of your shit
and i can't deal with it
i gave up giving in, and now it's time to say goodbye"

i really need to get my priorties straight....

Last…movie you saw in theaters = Sin City
movie you saw at home = First Daughter haha
song stuck in your head = some ridiculus backstreet boys song hah
Last.. person you called = Phil
person that's called you = Stacy
tv show you've watched = Viva la bam
last person you were thinking of= nolan
DO... you have a crush on someone = yeah,
you think about suicide = no
you believe in online dating = i think its creepy
others find you attractive = I hope so
you like roller coasters = not so much
you write in cursive or print = print
FOR OR AGAINST... long distance relationships = not really
using someone = against
killing people = against
teenage smoking = i am strongly against it, i regret ever starting
gay/lesbian relationships = for
HAVE YOU... ever cried over someone= yes
ever lied to someone = yes
ever been in a fist fight = no
ever been arrested = no

WHAT... shampoo do you use = dove
shoes do you wear = flip flops
are you scared of = guns and knives

NUMBER... of times I have been in love?= 1
times I have had my heart broken? = 2
of hearts I have broken? = none that i know of
of people i would classify as true, could trust with my life type friends? = 4
of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?= i dont think it ever has
of scars on my body? = 2
of things in my past that I regret? = 2

ARE YOU...handsome- sure
funny – some say that i am
friendly – i try to be
amusing - only with my craziness
ugly – sometimes
loveable - i hope i am
caring - yes

FAVORITE...
Candy: snickers
Cartoon: south park
Cereal: fruity pebbles
Chewing gum: spearmint
Day of week: saturday
Least fav day: monday
Jewelry: none
Special skills/talents: debate i guess
Summer/Winter: summer
Trampolines or swimming pools: swimming pools
PERSON WHO LAST...
Slept in your bed: me
Saw you cry: everyone at state
Made you cry: nolan
You went to the movies with: phil,carson,nick,nolan
Yelled at you: shareen

I slept an hour and a half last night....


good times

So we all know what we are going to do in the event of zombies taking over the world. (we being: bon,stacy, charli and I) we decided that we will inevitibly be at stacys house so we will live as long as we can off of the food she has in her kitchen, then we will kill ourselves. You would think we would have left it at that but no...we have a plan for how we would kill ourselves. What is this plan you may ask? well, we will pull stacys car into the garage and die from carbon monoxide. we have it all figured out. damn zombies.


The same thing applies if the aliens come.

yes ladies and gentlemen this is how i spent my afternoon, talking about what would happen in the event of zombies taking over the world


sigh

"A better slumber was in your arms
it's been tangled up in you
A sudden morning crashed in the room with an uninvited sudden change in you . What can I say? Where's that girl from last night that slept on that side and looked just like you? You can sleep in your own bed tonight, sleep away a silent pain screaming out my name
you can sleep in your own bed tonight
i hope for your sake you dont wake up as broken as I am
for a lack of better words to say
all i said was goodnight
once again it's self defense i wont sleep a wink to prevent dreaming of you" The starting line

my weekend

Friday-watched semis and finals at state. Went to stacys and watched TV. Then went to eat with: nick,stacy,shareen,nolan,phil and andy. I accidently sold my soul to nolan who then sold it to phil. Long story. who knows where my soul is at this point. after than stacy, andy, nolan and I went and played minature golf. I lost miserably :(. Nolan by the end of the night got really sick, it was really pitiful.

saturday-ah yes, I drove andys ass to tulsa to get his car. That was exciting. After that we went to stacys and then went to the state awards ceremony. i got tired and went home. blah.

high school debate is over. It is kinda surreal. I realized today that im letting myself get walked all over. i know that what im doing is only going to end up hurting me in the end but i cant help it.

state starts tomorrow. The uco debate room has been transformed into our war room. I think andy casey is more excited for state then stacy and I. Im tired, oh so very tired.

"tell me what you thought about when you were gone and so alone
the worst is over you can have the best of me
we got older but we're still young we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up
jumping to conclusions made me fall away from you
I'm so glad that the truth has brought back together
me and you we're sitting on the ground and we whisper "say what you're thinking out loud"

districts was a let down. im sure everyone who reads this already knows what happend so i will spare the details. i need sleep. last night i went to the movies with nick,carson,nolan and phil and saw sin city. i actually really liked it. we then went to nolans and hung out. i didnt go to sleep untill like 6 and then woke up at 11 went home and showered, and then went back to nolans to watch movies with him. Im sooo tired. State is this weekend. hopefully that will go better than districts.

karma is a bitch.

i need to be doing debate work


however, i am not.

Westside is sending 3 teams to nats, which means that if stacy and i dont make it we are going to look like asses.

the only scenerio in which we would be fucked is if we hit 2 heritage teams back to back in the early rounds. Im not saying we cant beat them its just going to be a battle.

im out

tooo many blocks to be written

Happy easter! this weekend was fun. friday night stacy, phil, andy and I hung out and did pretty much nothing. We took andy to bryant haunted house but didnt get out because phil said people had been getting arrested there. Saturday i went to my aunts open house for her new business and hung out with my mom. I then went to stacy's and we hung out and then went to the movies and saw the ring 2. It was pretty bad. after the movie nolan thought it would be funny to put on this paper masche (sp?) mask he made over christmas break and scare me with it. i wasnt really scared but i freaked me out a bit. Today is easter and im going to my grandparents for lunch. fun stuff.

Phil and I at a party..we look soo excited haha 

stacy,Me and jessica at camp sophmore year... 

Dustin and I from nationals sophmore year...ahh so old school 

Eric and I from the Christmas dance last year 

me, bon, stacy and sarah at my birthday dinner 

Phil, shareen and tyler at my birthday dinner 

districts is in a week......
Amy and Stacy=stressed as fuck
so what do we do? watch the grudge and tan.

oh we are so lazy its ridiculus.

i cleaned out my car today, i was very proud of myself.

oh and i got pulled over because my car matched the description of a car that was involved with a hit and run. that was exciting

i watched dora the explorer this morning at stacy's. I felt kinda pathetic afterwards but it's cool because i liked it haha.

Im not going to school tomorrow, instead i am being a witness in my sisters mock trial for school. fun stuff.

all and all i had a pretty interesting day


and now for pictures, yay.

today was a good day. I definitly feel alot better now that im back in school. I just hate sitting around and dwelling on things. I can wait to move after school is out. I hate being so far away from everyone. last summer i was so depressed because i would seclude myself from everyone and just sit and wallow. I can not do that again. Over spring break i started too feel like i did last summer and it scared me. Im so mad at nolan right now. I wish i could just hate him but i cant. its almost like im not really mad but i want to be. gah im so pathetic.

"I was sitting, waiting, wishing You believed in superstitions
Then maybe you would see the signs
But lord knows that this world is cruel And I ain’t the lord no I’m just a fool Learning loving somebody Don’t make them love you
Must I always be waiting, waiting on you? Must I always be playing, playing your fool?
I sang your songs I danced your dance I gave your friends all a chance But putting up with them Wasn’t worth never having you
Maybe you’ve been through this before But it’s my first time so please ignore The next few lines because they’re directed at you
I can’t always be waiting, waiting on you I can’t always be playing, playing your fool"

Last Cigarette: in my car on the way home
Last Alcoholic Drink: Thursday night
Last Car Ride: coming back from nicks
Last Good Cry: umm last night on my way home
Last Library Book checked out: Alice in Wonderland
Last Movie Seen in Theatres: Hotel Rwanda
Last Book Read: lord of the flies
Last Movie Rented: season 1 of niptuck
Last Beverage Drank: lemonade
Last Food Consumed: noodles with butter and parmesean cheese (thanks to bonnie for the recipe haha)
Last Crush: Nolan
Last Phone Call: Bonnie
Last TV Show: niptuck
Last Time Showered: this morning
Last Shoes Worn: flip flops
Last CD Played: dashboard
Last Item Bought: Pack of cigarettes
Last Annoyance: Nicks Dog venchi jumping all over me
Last Disappointment: Nolan
Last Key Used: my car key
Last Word Spoken: sorry
Last Sleep: last night
Last IM: gary a few minutes ago
Last Weird Encounter: umm hanging out with Nolan at stacys last night
Last Ice Cream Eaten: mint chocolate chip
Last Time Amused: phil being goofy while driving to nicks
Last Time Wanting To Die: I don’t think ive ever wanted to die
Last Time In Love: hmm that’s debateable
Last Time Hugged: hmmm Friday maybe?
Last Time Scolded: yesterday
Last Pair of Underwear: black thong
Last Shirt Worn: black long sleeve shirt
Last Webpage Visited: Nip tucks official webpage haha im hooked
Last Thought: I need to chill the fuck out

its happening again....

good and bad highlights of the past 24 hours
trying to get nolans car unlocked
bonnie and i drinking an entire bottle of rum by ourselves
realizing that i have to work at 11 the next morning after i drink the entire bottle of rum
Ashleigh explaining the correct way a doctor is supposed to grope you
going to 711 TWICE with bonnie so she could get fritos and bean dip while drunk
watching aqua teen hunger force with nolan and jordan zabel at averys
going with avery and nolan to 711 so avery could get stuff to make a beer bong
"going to bed" at 330 only to jokingly fight with nolan for 3 hours
nolan joking about getting a dui at 7 in the morning while taking me to my car
getting rear ended while driving home and having no idea what to do
getting screamed at by shareen for not coming to work and realizing your just fucking irresponsible


thats it

the end

Im sick, it sucks. I just hope its not like the flu or something and i wont be sitting at home all spring break. I dont want to sit and wallow. oh well maybe i will be better tomorrow.

"and if this is what it takes just to lie with my mistakes
and live with what I did to you
all the hell I put you through
I always catch the clock it's 11:11
and now you want to talk
it's not hard to dream
they'll never hurt you like I do
no they'll never hurt you like I do no, no, no no no no no no"

Does anyone even read this?

ohhh spring break is getting off to a good start. Shareen and I have decided that tomorrow we are going to drink alllll day long. Im not sure if we are going to make it but we will see. I am supposed to go see hitch with ashleigh at like 10 so will see how that works out haha. I really cant ditch her but i dont know how im going to make it to the movies if i've been drinking all day long. Oh well shall be fun....

Stacy and i got 3rd at regionals....good times.

I have got to stop acting ridiculus in awkward situations.....

"Who knows what could happen. Do what you do, just keep on laughing One thing's true, there's always a brand new day"

"You're the only thing that I love, Scares me more every day. On my knees I think clearer. Goodness knows I saw it coming, Or at least I'll claim I did. But in truth I'm lost for words " Snow Patrol- chocolate

hmmm what an uneventful sunday. eh no surprise there. Last night i had a lot of fun. I babysat Alexa and phil and stacy hung out with us. we went to put-around and played minature golf it was soo much fun. I saw my ex-boyfriend from like freshman year, rex. It was kinda weird but amusing. ok so i want a job now. I just wish i didnt have to look for one. I need something to take up my time so i dont have to sit around dwelling on things.

"Why am I dealin' with this feelin'? I'm maxed out like a credit card I'll continue to be my worst enemy It's easy but it seems so hard You're near but you seem so far " Ben Kweller- Wasted and Ready

"Those notes you wrote me I've kept them all, I've given a lot of thought of how to write you back this fall. With every single letter in every single word There will be a hidden message about a boy that loves a girl Do you care if i don't know what to say Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me, Will i shake this off, pretend its all okay that there's someone out there who feels just like me There is." Box car racer, "there is"

Tonight was alright. I went to stacys after school and we hung out for awhile and then phil came by and shareen, phil and i went up to jamba juice. That was kinda awkward. I mean not in a really noticable way, but it was just kinda strange for me. Nolan didnt say two words to me the whole time and so i dont know whatever. after fighting over where we should eat stacy decides it would be a great idea for us to go to pepe's. It was disgusting. after a horrible meal we dropped phil off at his car so he could go play poker (egh) and then stacy and i went to the movies. IT was hillarious these two like 14 year old boys were hitting on us. after that i went home. lame i know. I was planning on getting competely plastered tonight but then i realized only bad things could come out of that. so i choose the mature descion to just have to innocent fun with my pal stacy. haha . goodnight, sweet dreams all.

I had an alright day i suppose. It was much better than i thought it would be considering the recent events. I only cried twice haha. We went to the mall for an "on your own" seminar for all the senior girls at memorial, it was disturbing to say the least lol. It was fun and even though i was convinced i wouldnt, i learned a few new things. I got my hair cut today. i cut it all off, I hate it. my hairstylist thinned it out way to much and it looks ridiculous. I guess i will just have to suck it up and deal with it. Things just arent going my way lately i suppose. I dont know what to do with my time. I've grown apart from all my friends. Bonnie is mad at me and she wont admit it but you can just tell. Shareen and i havent been close for awhile much to my dismay. I guess everything is fine between stacy and i but she has andy and ya know. Its hard to watch all my friends around me have relationships and people they love. I feel so out of place, I dont have that persyn anymore. I dont know how to be friends with Nolan anymore. Everytime we hang out I will just dwell on the fact that he rejected me. I feel like i need to get over him. I want so much to just wait for him to get his shit together but i dont know how long that is going to take. I will wait for awhile but its going to be painful. Its very ironic how things have turned out. Nolan chased me for 3 years. 3 fucking years. I finally fall and its too late. I guess i just have to learn to open my heart faster. Im going to miss him so much. I hope that someday our paths will bring us back together. errrr


"This is incredible. Starving, insatiable, yes, this is love for the first time. Well you'd like to think that you were invincible. Yeah, well weren't we all once before we felt loss for the first time? Well this is the last time. This is the last time. This is the last time."

I have never experienced a feeling of this magnitude. I am so incredibly heartbroken. I've watched people go through this and never understood their pain untill now. It hurts so bad. I feel like i have nothing. I never knew something as amazing as love could hurt so badly. Im so jaded, im 18 and before i could even taste the sweetness of being in love it is ripped away from me. whats worse is the one persyn i need right now i dont even talk to that much anymore. I have no one to lean on. as of now i feel like i will never get over this. I dont know what to do? how do you mend a broken heart? someone please tell me.

i think there is seriously something wrong with me. Why cant i keep a relationship? am i seriously that crazy i dont get it. dammnit i wish i could read peoples minds and understand how they feel and think. Well, maybe i wouldnt have to wish that if people would fucking communicate with me.

"she prays for days that boys mean she's protected. and she wants someone to see her, she needs to hear she's beautiful, she's beautiful "

eh, im having a bad weekend. I had a few realizations yesterday that kinda scare me. Im so confused right now, damn.

what would you say if i asked you not to go? to forget everyone, forget everything and start over with me. would you take my hand and never let me go. promise me you'll never let me go, and the stars aren't out tonight, but neither are we to look up at them. why does hello feel like goodbye? these memories can't replace, these wishes i wished and these dreams i chased. take this broken heart and make it right. i feel like i lost everything when you're gone, left remembering what it's like to have you here with me i thought you should know, you're not making this easy. i never thought i'd be the one to say please don't, please don't leave me. i feel like i lost everything when you're gone left remembering what it's like to have you here with me. i thought you should know, you're not making this easy. - matchbook romance "promise"

im really ridiculus. so what do u do when you know that what you are doing is probably not the best idea, yet you do it anyways? So Nolan and i are dating again. I mean i dont really know what we are doing. We havent really talked about it but i mean ya know. damn things are confusing.

so nolan came over tonight and we talked for like 2 hours. I feel so much better now. We talked about everything and formed a foundation for a friendship. things are falling back into place....

Had a bad day Don't talk to me Gonna ride this out My little black heart Breaks apart With your big mouth And I'm sick of My sickness Dont touch me You'll get this I'm useless Lazy, perverted And you hate me You can't save me You can't change me Well I'm waiting for my wake up call And everything Everything's my fault Went to the doctor And I asked her To make this stop (whoa) Got medication A new addiction Fuckin' thanks a lot Had a relapse I'm bad at rehabs Ruins everything (whoa) So point your finger At the singer He's in the pharmacy You can't save me You can't change me Well I'm waiting for my wake up call And everything's my fault You can't save me You can't blame me Well I'm waiting here to take the fall And everything Everything's my fault And I'm a death threat Haven't slept yet Baby, why the wake up call? I'm the bad boy tell the tabloids everything's my fault (Whoa) Yeah Write it Write it (Whoa) Everthing's my fault Everthing's my fault I went to heaven I Couldn't get in For what I had done I said please take me They said you're crazy You had too much fun You can't save me You can't change me Well I'm waiting for my wake up call And everything's my fault You can't save me You can't blame me Well I'm waiting here to take the fall And everything Everthing's my fault. You can't save me You can't change me (Everthing's my fault) Everything's my fault -unwritten law- save me

so after finding out the following: that stephen cheated on charli, avery cheated on bonnie and that Nolan cheated on Me. We have decided to form a coalition of angry ex girlfriends, phillip is the secretary because he is the only good male left. Our first task is too get a whole bunch of electronics and put it in a pile and smash the shit out of it, office space style. All jokes aside i feel like my world has come crashing down, the one persyn i thought i could actually trust betrayed me.


man the penis loyalty that all the boys have in our group just blew up in their face. i can seriously picture all 3 of them sitting in a room crying to each other about how much they fucked it up this time.



fuck men excuse me BOYS

stupid emotional fuckwits

"They say time will
Make all this go away
But it's time that has taken my tomorrows
And turned them into yesterdays
And once again that rising sun
Is droppin' on down
And once again you my friend
Are nowhere to be found
And it's so hard to do
And so easy to say
But sometimes
Sometimes you just have to walk away
Walk away
And head for the door
You just walk away
Walk away" =Ben Harper

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

senior regret-not going to class more

senior quote-"i feel like lucy in the sky with diamonds"- jordan folks

senior confession-I admit, i was the kid from north who turned bryan and rosie in....

nothing remotely interesting happened today.


thats all


amy

So last week at my counseling session we decided that we should start winding down my treatment. That kinda scares me a little bit. I Feel as though going to see rohanne for the past like 7 months is the only thing that has been holding me together. I havent been taking my anti-deppressents, to tell you the truth i never even started taking them. I really cant pin point a reason why. i dont know i suppose im just stupid. Well anyways, i have to make a list of everything we need to acomplish before i stop seeing her, ie things we havent talked about that are bothering me, and things we have that we just need to finish up.

blah

song lyrics im relating too at the moment.....


"What you see is not what you get
With you there's just no measurement
no way to tell what's real from what isn't there
You're eyes they sparkle
That's all changed since the lies that dropped like acid rain
you washed away the best of me
you don't care "



"Throw away the radio, suitcase, keeps you awake
Hide the telephone, the telephone
the telephone in case you realize that sometimes you're just not ok.
You level off, level off, level off, and it's not alright now.
You need to understand - there's nothing strange about this.
You need to know your friends... you need to know that
I'll be waving my hand, watching you drown, watching you scream.
Quiet or loud.
And maybe you should sleep.
And maybe you just need a friend.
As clumsy as you've been, there's no one laughing.
You will be safe in here. You will be safe in here.
Throw away this very old shoelace that tripped you again.
Try to shrug it off, shrug it off, shrug it off - it's only skin now.
You need to understand - there's nothing fake about this.
You need to let me in. Watching you and...
I'll be waving my hand, watching you drown, watching you scream."


"If I don't make it known that
I've loved you all along
just like the sunny days that
we ignore because
we're all dumb & jaded
and I hope to God I figure out
what's wrong

I walked around my room
not thinking
just sinking in this box
I blame myself for being too much
like somebody else
I never thought I would just
bend this way
then a phone call made me realize
I'm wrong"


"I thought that I could always count on you,
I thought that nothing could become between us two.
We said as long as we would stick together,
We’d be alright,
We’d be ok.
But I was stupid
And you broke me down
I’ll never be the same again.

So thank you for showing me,
That best friends can not be trusted,
And thank you for lying to me,
Your friendship and good times we had you can have them back


I wonder why it always has to hurt,
For every blessing that you have to learn.
I won’t forget what you did to me,
How you showed me things,
I wish I’d never seen.
But I was stupid,
And you broke me down,
I’ll never be the same again. "

man there are some really naive people in this world...cough cough


oh wow...im so glad im not the puppet on a string.

Whew, what a boring day. thats not unusual for a sunday for me though. I always sit at home and do nothing on sundays. Im not really sure why i just always have. last night i had a lot of fun. I went over to bonnies at like 6 and we searched my car for change and then went with phil to albertsons to cash it all in. I got 13 dollars! it was awesome. after that we went back to andy and avery's and watched tv untill charli got off work and we all went to chilis and had dinner. Lindsey shook was there and we discussed how i could do the work study program and stuff next year at uco. It made me feel alot better about my financial situation. After that we went back to andy and averys and gary,nick,tyler and eric came over and played poker. Charli and I were partners it was fun. We both suck soooo bad but together we made it to the final 3!! It was hillarious we would think we had a good hand out of like instinct and it would work about 80% of the time. I am so worried about eric. I think people mispercieve how i feel about him. I dont hate him by any means im just scared to death for him. After watching my dad go through the same thing i know that the only thing you can do is walk away from it untill they hit rock bottown and ask for help. I wish everyone else could see that. well i gotta go I think im gonna call my friends april and heather from back in the day and catch up.

amy

excuse me for being irrational but im having a fucking shitty ass month. Im competely drained of all energy. I have lost my best friend and she doesnt even give a shit. So i text shareen yesterday to tell her that if she wants to know why i cant be her friend to read my blog. I decided after i text messaged her i wouldnt read her reply beacuse i knew it would either A. be her trying to start a fight or b. her saying what i didnt want to hear. Well it was B (because after about 2 hours at looking at 1 new message i couldnt handle it anymore, I knew i should have just deleted it but whatever) She said something like "thanks but i could really care less) DAMN talk about a fucking burn. Shareen says a lot of things to me along the lines of " bonnie isnt going to be there forever you need to stay with your true friends la la" but what the fuck is she doing, since when is charli and mary and sarah really good friends with shareen? What the fuck dude. I have nothing against those girls at all i love them all dearly but shareen is the most fickle persyn ever, one day shes friends with this persyn and the next with another its a little confusing. man this sucks so bad. i cant stand hearing about shareen i just get in a bad mood and incredibly upset. Espcially now knowing she doesnt care. IS it weird that im jealous that it hurt shareen more when bonnie and her stopped being friends than it hurts her now that we arent friends? i mean she used to dwell on bonnie all the time, and now it seems like she has just completely shut me out and acts like i never existed to her. damn this sucks. wake up and smell the coffee shareen. you talk in your blog about living with no regrets but maybe you wouldnt have to dwell on that so much if you werent such a shitty friend.

Everytime they put her down, she makes a fist and the tears roll down  She packs her bags and plans to run away  She's saying goodbye and leaving tonight  She's used up all her lonely tear drops now She thinks about herself and cares about nobody else because the only friends she has all put her down

i havent posted in awhile.  I should probably get around to doing that, but for now im to lazy to do so. Things have been boring and non-productive.  I miss the summer of 2003  that was a freaking blast.  Oh well life goes on. 
 
highlights so far from the summer
-Bonnie and Avery dating
-Eric, nolan and avery getting a house
-The big fork nolan uses to beat people up with
-the story about how andy casey threw his shit on there house
-the foursome (no i wasnt in it)
-the field of dreams
-eric getting mad and walking down his street naked
-farenheight 9/11
 
eh i'll think of more later, but as you can see the summer has been pretty chill and pretty boring

im so miserable

I am: Amy
I love: attention
I hate: ignorant people
I fear: being alone
I hear: the tv in the background
I crave: a friend
I regret: bad choices
I cry: about everything
I care: about few things
I always: worry
I believe: i don't know what i believe sometimes
I listen: to everything
I hide: my feelings
I drive: toyota camry
I sing: when no one can hear me
I write: when i have to
I run: again, when i have to
I miss: Stacy
I know: more than i let on
I say: too much alot
I succeeded: in making it through my junior year
I dream: rarely
I wonder: what is the point
I want: to be loved
I have: nothing
I give: instructions
I receive: phone calls
I fight: only shareen when we are drunk haha
I need: a drink

Name: Amy
Age: 17
Birth date: 11-22
Sign: scorpio
Eyes: hazel
Hair: brown
Pets: 3
BF/GF: eh

Favorite..
Bands: all kinds
Music genre: all kinds
Crayon: pink
Cereal: chex
Jolly Rancher Flavor: watermelon
Color M&M: why does it matter? they all taste the same
Hangout: place not important, company is
Day: i like those that i don't have any obligations
Month: august
Season: fall
Shoes: yes
Restaurants: taco bueno
Kitchen Appliance: i worship at my microwave
Person to talk to on the phone: shareen
Memories: summer 03

This/That...
Plaid or striped: striped
Alt or rap: alt
Ska or punk: punk
Classical or country: classical
Salt or pepper: salt
Coke or Pepsi: coke
Dr. Pepper or Mr. Pibb: dr. p
Sprite or 7-up: sprite
Skittles or M&M's: taste the rainbow of fuity pin
Bleh or blah: blah
Okay, ok, or o.k.: who the fuck cares? ok
Shake or stir: some things don't respond well to shaking
Bright colors or dark colors: bright
Snap, crackle, or pop: pop
Half-empty or half-full: half- full
Sunshine or rain: sunshine
Sun or moon: moon
Silver or gold: silver
Frogs or toads: frogs

Short Answer..
Left handed or right handed: right
Are you smart: i'd like to think so
What's your middle name: michelle
How many personalities do you have: there are only one of us
How many piercings do you have: 1
Tattoos: haven't got drunk enouh yet
What was your first word: im not sure
Do you read your horoscope: yes
Do you believe in that stuff: sometimes
Can you do a cartwheel: yes
Can you drive: yeah
Do you keep a journal: define "keep"
What languages do you know: english
Do you like cotton candy: yes
Do you like pina coladas: and getting caught in the rain
What do you sleep in: bed
How many pillows do you have: 2
How many times have you moved houses: 3
Is your room messy: omg yes
Do you like your handwriting: no
Do you like to fingerpaint: yeah
Do you sleep with a stuffed animal(s): no
Are you ticklish: zyeah
Did you go to preschool: no
Are you a morning person: ha ha hahahahah

Hard Questions..
Would you rather burn to death or freeze to death: freeze
Would you eat a bowl of live crickets for $40,000: sure
Where do you want to live:europe
If you had to dye your hair right now, what color would you make it: dark brown
If you had to get a body piercing right now where would it be: eyebrow
If you had to get a tattoo right now, what would it be: a fairy
If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be: monkey
Ever been to Belgium no
What's your favorite coin: quarter

"And they rise in the morning
And they sleep in the dark
And even though nobody's looking
She's falling apart"

I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it every day.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
That's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind
She's falling behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.

How to make a amy

Ingredients: 5 parts intelligence 1 part humour 5 parts joy

Method: Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Top it off with a sprinkle of lovability and enjoy!

Username:

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

I feel like complete and utter shit. I havent slept in 32 hours. My body is sooo tired but i just cant sleep. I cant study for my finals because i feel so crumy. all is not well.....egh

1. First Name: Amy
2. Were you named after anyone?: kinda
3. Do you wish on stars?: occasionaly
4. Which finger is your favorite?: Index
5. When did you last cry?: last week sometime
6. Do you like your handwriting?: not so much
7. Any bad habits?: im very non-confrontational and lazy
8 . What is your most embarrassing CD on your shelf?: britney spears
9 . If you were another person, would you be friends WITH you?: Yes
10 . Are you a daredevil?: no
11 . Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell?: Yes
12 . Do looks matter?: Yes, in everything
14 . Do you think there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?: No
15 . Do fish have feelings?: sure
16 . Are you trendy?: uhh no
17 . How do you release anger?: crying
18 . Where is your "second home"?: stacys
19 . What was your favorite toy as a child?: barbies
20 . What class in school do you think is totally useless?: our debate class haha
21 . Have you ever been on radio or television?: Yes
22 . Do you have a journal? : ya this thing
23 . Do you use sarcasm a lot?: oh ya
24 . Have you ever been in a mosh pit?: No
25 . What do you look for in a guy/girl?: same views as me
26 . What are your nicknames?:none
27 . Would you bungee? : hell no
28 . Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?: Yes
29 . What are you worried about right now?: finals
30 . Do you ever wear overalls? : No
31 . Do you think that you are strong?: no
32 . What's your favorite ice cream flavor? : peppermint
33 . What's your favorite color/s? : pink
34 . What is your least fav. thing in the world?: people who lie
35 . How many wisdom teeth do you have?: i dont know
36 . How many people have a crush on you right now?: umm ;)
37. Favorite smell?: vannilla
39 . Who do you miss most right now?: comfort
40. What is ur favorite lunch meat?: Honey Smoked Ham
41. When is your birthday?: novemeber 22
42.Do you trust others easily?: Not really
43. What is your favorite movie?: steel magnolias
44.What is your least favorite thing about yourself?: my over emotional side
45. Hugs or Kisses?: a combonation of both
46. Relationships or one night stands ?: Relationships

it amazes me how much we learn in school/life and just dismiss it and never use it again after that. Like today for example i spent all afternoon making a 3D star for one of my classes. It was a nightmare. Glue was everywhere and all my pieces were cut all funny. funny how i learned how to cut and paste in kindergarden and didnt have trouble with it then yet at 17 years old it was like rocket science. Or like about a month ago i was at the mall with a friend and we saw some math workbook for like 5th grade, and simple mathmatics seemed difficult just because we hadnt done it in so long. I just dont understand it. eh oh well my star did turn out quite nice if i do say so myself. Finals are next week, egh. I must pass them all with flying colors to get decent grades in all my classes, and some to just to pass them in general. ah man crazy stuff.

Don't know what I was looking for when I went home, I found me alone
And sometimes I need someone to say, "You'll be all right. What's on your mind?"
But the water's shallow here and I am full of fear- yellowcard

party, yes? drugs, yes? ive decided to stop being the sober one. I mean i dont have an addictive personality so what harm can it do? hahahhaha


yes yes yes

i have no life....i am officially a loser


Name On Birth Certificate: Amy Michelle Lewis
Nicknames: i dont really have one..


Age:17


Birthday: november 22 86
School: edmond memorial

Location: Okc

Color of eyes: brown

Color hair? brown


Height: 5"9


Shoe Size: 9

Brothers/Sisters: 1 sister
Who lives with you: mom and dad
When's ur bedtime?: random times


Have you?

Have you ever been so drunk you blacked out: umm kinda


Missed school Because it was raining: probably not BECAUSE it was raining but i probably missed school when it was raining

Put a body part on fire for amusement: i dont think so.....

Been in a car accident: yes
Been hurt emotionally: uh yeah
Had an imaginary friend? oh heck ya
Wanted to hook up with a friend: hah yeah
Cried during a Movie: yes

Had a crush on a teacher: yeah shareens history teachers hahaha
Ever thought an animated character was hot?:not really

Had a New Kids on the Block tape: no
Been on stage: yes
Cut your hair: yes

Been sarcastic: all the time
----------------------FAVORITES----------------------


Shampoo: dove

Winter/summer: summer
Lace or satin: Satin
Cartoon Characters: sponge bob

Cartoon Show: sponge bob

Food: mexican or chinease


Movie: steel magnolias

Fave Ice Cream: peppermint
Subject: debate haha

Drink: uhh rasberry bacardi and sprite

-----------------RIGHT NOW--------------------------

Wearing: pajama bottoms and t- shirt
Hair is: wet

Eating: nothing

Thinkin bout: how big of a loser i am


Listening to: yellowcard
Watching: nothing

---------------IN THE LAST 24 HRS-------------------

Cried:no



Worn a skirt: no


Met someone New: no



Cleaned your room: no
Done laundry: yeah

Driven a car: ya
----------------DO YOU BELIEVE IN-------------------

Yourself: sometimes

Your friends: most of the time
Santa Clause: sadly no
Tooth Fairy: umm not so much
Destiny/Fate: undecided
Angels: undecided
----------------FRIENDS AND LIFE--------------------

Who do you miss the most? being in a relationship
Who do you want to be with now? ......
Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend: sadly no
Who have u known the longest of your friends: april

Who's the shyest: nick

The weirdest: stacy
Who do you go to for advice:april

When you cried the most: when my dad went into the hospital
Worst Feeling: wanting something you know you could never have

Ok so last night i realized that is it absoultely impossible for me to express how i feel. i was having an argument with shareen and all the things i needed and wanted to say just left me and i was left there looking like an idiot. I need a lesson on how to be more assertive and confrontational. hmmmmm

*note to self: dont text message people while intoxicated*

"I'm so lost
I'm barely here
I wish I could explain myself
But words escape me
It's too late
To save me
You're too late
You're too late
You're cold with disappointment
While I'm drowning in the next room
The last contagious victim of this plague between us
I'm sick with apprehension
I'm crippled from exhaustion
And I dread the moment when you finally come to kill me" - Blink 182

1. What is your full name and nickname(s): Amy Michelle Lewis

2. What color pants are you wearing? pajama pants

3. What are you listening to right now? nothing

4. What's the last thing you ate? poptart

5. Do you wish on stars? sometimes

6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? pink

7. How is the weather right now? cool and dark

8. Last person you talked to on the phone? shareen

9. Do you like the person who sent you this? ya

10. How are you today? worn out and frustarted

11. Favorite drink? water

12. Favorite alcoholic drink? sprite and rasberry bacardi

13. Favorite sport? .....

14. Hair color? brown

15. Eye color? brown

16. Do you wear contacts? no


17. Siblings? sara

18. Favorite month? june

19. Favorite food? hmmmm

20. Last movie you watched? 13 going on 30

21. Favorite day of the year? november 22

22. What do you do to vent anger? cry....

23. What was your favorite toy as a child? my barbies

24. Summer or Winter? summer

25. Hugs or Kisses? both

26. Chocolate or Vanilla? vanilla

27. Do you want your friends to write/e-mail back? if they feel so compelled

28. Who is most likely to respond? Uhhhh...

29. Who is least likely to respond? who knows?

30. Living arrangements? with the parents

31. When was the last time you cried? saturday

32. What is under your bed? nothing my bed sits on the fllor

33. Who are the friends you have had the longest? April

34. What did you do last night? stayed home and rested

35. Favorite smells? vanilla, and certain mens cologne

36. What inspires you? others

37. What are you afraid of? losing my mom, being alone

38. Plain, Buttered or Salted Popcorn? buttered

39. Favorite car? Lexus Suv

40. Favorite flower? daises

41. Number of keys on your key ring? 2

42. Can you juggle? not so much

43. Favorite day of the week? Friday or Saturday

44. What did you do on your last birthday? ummmm got pulled over and hung out wiht friends

45. Do you own a donor card? no

46. Do you believe there are other life forms living in other galaxies? you never know

47. What do you want people to remember about you? I was always there when they needed me

48. Cats or dogs? cats

49. If you could visit with one person living or dead for one day who would it be? britney spears hahaha (oh you know it)

50. What gives you that tingly, feeling-good feeling all inside? winning debate rounds, having everything cool with all my friends, meeting a guy

I wish some people would understand that i mean no harm and im not trying to ruin there lives like they think. You can say what you want and threaten me but im not opening my mouth under any circumstances, i sware im not that "shady".

So prom is today. and instead of getting ready im procrastinating and writing in this thing. I did something potentially bad this week and then made the mistake of telling someone about it. People cant keep secrets and im naive as fuck for thinking so. I've been so tired and anti-social lately. I dont even want to go to prom, how fucked up is that? fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

life is dull and so is this journal. prom is this weekend. blah. I realized recently that i dont take anything seriously enough, ie school, friends,debate, LIFE. Its all just this game to me, except i dont get a second chance at it to try again and win. Im fucking everything up. psshhha




Fuck It. Im done.

ah, spring break. not all whats it cracked up to be.....so i will do a run through what i did this week....

Saturday- I stayed home and rested all day long....yeah fun stuff
Sunday- I also stayed home all day and did...gasp NOTHING
Monday- I went to see "confessions of a teenage drama queen" with shareen....yeah so we kept on turning to each other through the whole movie and telling each other how bad it was but somehow we managed to sit through the whole thing. We then went to Stephens new house and hung out there for awhile. I have a new appreciation for drunk people when im sober after spending about an hour talking to bryan moyer while he was drunk. It was hillarious. anytime anything bad would happen B moyer would come stumbling in telling everyone "its okay ive got it covered" even when there was a police helicopter flying around above the house apparently it was okay because B moyer "had it covered"
Tuesday-i went with shareen over to Jon's to watch movies. nothing to exciting ya know the usual
wednsday-im pretty sure i did absoultely uhh yeah NOTHING
Thursday- I went up to jordans work and then we went to stephens and i hung out with the boys
friday-ah yes friday.....stacy and eric got home! i was soooo happy to see them. Eric got a tattoo while he was in utah which was cool. I went over to erics and hung out there for awhile and then eric, nick and I all went back to stacys and then stacy shareen and i went to eat and then we went to stephens blah blah drama happens blah blah so exciting....
saturday-watched a movie at stacys then went to rex's and watched eric and nick work on debate and then partied.
sunday-blah blah blah blah blah

[my name is]: Amy Lewis
[in the morning I am]: a huge bitch
[all I need is]: love
[love is]: bliss
[I'm afraid of]: clowns, being alone
[i dream about]: allll sorts of things

==========================================
have you ever
==========================================
[cried when someone died]: yes . . .
[drank alcohol]: uhh yeah
[lied]: yup
[coke or pepsi]: coke
[flowers or candy]: flowers i guess
==========================================
with the opposite sex
==========================================
[what do you notice first?]: hair
[last person you slow danced with]: Evan
[worst thing to say]: I dont know?
[scruff or clean shaven]: scruffy sometimes
[tall or short]: TALL
[easier to talk to: boys or girls?]: boys, i dont get along with girls when i first meet them
==========================================
do you ever
==========================================
[sit on the internet all day waiting for someone special to I.M. u?]: uh no
[save aol/aim conversations]: sure.
[cry because of someone saying something to you]: all the fucking time sadly.
==========================================
have you ever
==========================================
[fallen for your best friend]: no
[been rejected]: yes
[rejected someone]: yes
[used someone]: noppe
[been cheated on]: i hope not
==========================================
who was the last person?
==========================================
[you talked to]: this insurance lady on the phone
[hugged]: shareen
[you instant messaged]: James
[you laughed with]: Shareen, about the stupid movie we saw last night
==========================================
do you
==========================================
[color your hair]: sometimes
[habla espanol]: si
==========================================
have you//do you//are you
==========================================
[obsessive]: depends
[could you live without the computer?]: nope
[how many peeps are on you buddylist?]: eh 150ish?
[what's your favorite food?]: salad and ranch
[whats your favorite fruit?]: Strawberries
[which hurts the most, physical pain or emotional pain?]: Emotional
[trust others way too easily?]: no
==========================================
[i want]: a boyfriend
[i wish]: i had money
[i love]: my friends
[i miss]: some of my old friends
[i fear]: being alone
[i hear]: the tv
==========================================
firsts
==========================================
first real memory: some weird dream i had when i was little
first car: some janky ford taurus
first screen name: ltgrl57
first self-purchased album: umm like the spice girls or something lol
first funeral: my sisters friend dayton
first pet: patches-cat
first piercing: ears
first big trip: colorado
first play/musical/performance: the nutcracker in the 2nd grade
==========================================
lasts
==========================================
last car ride: my car on the way home last night
last kiss: hahah......... im not tellin
last libary book checked out: i can't remember.
last movie seen: cabin fever
last swear word uttered: fuck
last beverage drank: coke
last food consumed: an apple
last phone call: the insurance lady
last tv show watched: the newlyweds
last time showered: last night.
last shoes worn: my birkenstocks
last cd played: dashboard
last item bought: the movie we rented last night
last annoyance: my dad vacuming while i was sleeping
last ice cream eaten: i dont rememer
last shirt worn: a yellow one
last webpage visited: my email account

Drugs are bad...


thats all

Ok so i had this random dream a few nights ago, and the reason this dream is so weird is because i hardly ever remember dreams so vividly and it just confuses the hell out of me. So it starts out with me going to some clinic with shareen because im getting married. now keep in mind throughout the dream i have no idea who im marrying i just know i am. So, shareen and i come into this clinic because i need to get birth control before i can get married for some reason. The lady at the front tells me that I cant get birth control because i had gotten 5 abortions in my past (wtf? lol) so Shareen starts screaming and tells them that she will protest it blah blah. anyways so we go through a door and we are standing in the alter of where im getting married, and i look to the left and mark and dusitn are sitting down with weird smirks on there face, mark looks unusually weird though because he has a top hat on and weird makeup like the guy from clock work orange. so i start freaking out and realize i have to pee really bad and so i go to a public bathroom and there is like 50 girls and no one will let me go to the bathroom, so finnally i go back to the alter and mark and dustin are sitting there and pointing and laughing at me, and then i wake up.......


what the fuck does that mean?

so ive been thinking about a persyn that ive grown apart from in the past year, i miss this persyn and ive realized how much this persyn meant to me....damn


spring break....fucking blows

So, im ineligible. I know its not shocking but it sucks. Nothing too exciting has been going on in my life so whatever. Spring break is going to suck major ass, shareen and i are the only ones that arent going on a trip so it should be interesting. On thursday bonnie and i are getting out of school to go to tulsa to watch our girls basketball team play....well, we are buying tickets and then hanging out in tulsa so we can get an activity absence. Its gonna be exciting! well like i said...not much going on....sooo have a great day..

standing on the edge of morning
scent of sex and new found glory
playing as she's pulling back her hair
she drives away
she's feeling worthless
used again but nothing's different
she stayed the night
but knows he doesn't care

ok so im procastinating. Instead of writing in this i should be writing my research paper and my rough draft is due tomorrow and i only have my intro paragraph done. I came home today at 4 and passed out and didnt wake up untill 830 which is good i suppose because that means i can stay up late tonight and write my paper, but on the other hand im going to fucking tired at school tomorrow, its a vicous, vicous cycle. I took the purity test again, im only 65% pure now, hahaha. Shareen had her knee surgery last week, the poor girl is so funny on pain killers. Oh and i saw rosie at a party on friday and she confronted me about my weblog and how i talked shit on her in it. Well im not sorry in the sense that she has been doing some shitty things lately. I just dont get it, and maybe i never will. Oh well not much else to write so im gonna go

ps kevin rocks

Wow, its been forever since I've posted. I was talking to Billy and he said i should post more so i decided to start it up again. So many things have happend since november when i last posted. My life has gotten better in some parts but worse in others. I started growing closer with shareen again and became friends with Bonnie which is awesome. They talked me into tranfering to memorial, well they didnt really convince me because i was miserable at north in the first place. Well my transfer was approved and i took my finals at north in the beginning of january and then started at memorial. Telling Glendinning was so hard. I have so much respect for the man and care so much about what he thinks of me for some reason. Well, i worry about what everyone thinks of me, if someone dislikes me i get really down and upset. I dont know i suppose thats normal. I miss him, I also miss mark and dustin oddly enough. More dustin then mark though, after the whole evidence scandal at norman dustin called me and apologized to me if he upset me in any way by it because he had heard that i was crying in the round. That made me remember the good times that i had with dustin and not only the bad ones which i usually only think of. Im starting to get frustrated with myself because of my lack of motivation, i dont go to school and when im there i dont concentrate and hardly do my work. Im lonely, and the lonliness that i feel is just making me do things im regretting. I dont feel like i really have anyone that i can talk to or spill my emotions to when im feeling overwhelmed. Ive never in my life really had that "best friend". Or maybe i cant trust anyone enough to get that close. I dunno, but anyways Im going to districts with Eric, random as hell it should be interesting. I had a fallout with Rosie because I came to the realization that she is 21 years only hanging out with high school students and continued to lie to me about random things and it frustrated me, not only that but she screwed over billy so bad and he is such an amazing persyn and he doesnt deserve that. Those arent the only reasons for the fall out but are just a few examples. I wish i was cinderella so i could have my prince charming and be rescued from this place. sigh i dont know whats wrong with me, im just not at a good place.

ok, so life sucks. everyone on the memorial squad got called into the office today because of rumors that there is an "inappropriate" relationship going on between Bryan and rosie, bc of the rumor they can no longer travel out of state and that upsets me bc stacy and i have so much fun together when we travel out of state lol. Other than that memorial got cancled this weekend which pisses me off because i was going to debate with dustin which would be awesome since i have to debate with a novice all year which is no fun at ALL. The only thing i can be happy about is that my birthday is in a week and hopefully that will be fun. sigh.


im in desperate need of a boy....

Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...
Category	Your Score	Average
Self-Lovin'	75% Never taken out of the packaging	65.1%
Shamelessness	64.3% It takes a couple of drinks	79.4%
Sex Drive	84.2% The Pope is envious	77.8%
Straightness	44.6% Done the nasty, but not creatively	45.1%
Gayness	91.1% Repressed, are we?	83.3%
Fucking Sick	96.5% Refreshingly normal	89.9%
You are 75.45% pure Average Score: 72.6%
Take The Ultimate Purity Test and see how you match up!

My life is rated NC-17.
What is your life rated?

Im so freaking frustrated.........

thats all for now i will post more later.

Today was horrible, i woke up at 1130 and freaked out because i didnt get up for school. after school i went to get my halloween costume which is pretty cool its like a devilish looking angel thing with a black hallow and wings. Ive been prepping for the santa fe local tourney this weekend, there isnt much to prep for because there is only two possible cases i will be hitting because of lack of teams lol. anyways nothing much to write so i guess i will go

later

egh its sunday and i have to go to school tomorrow, im really upset about that because a. I hate school and b. ive had such a good weekend having school tomorrow will just ruin everything. Friday night i hung out at hafer for awhile and drove around with shareen and bonnie trying to pick up guys on the uco campus, it was fun except for the part where we never found any guys lol. Then rosie,bryan,jordan and nick and i went and saw Texas Chainsaw Massacre, it was so scary. After the movie rosie and i were afraid for our lifes and the whole way home i drove behind her and talked to her on the phone untill we both were safe in our homes, yes its pathetic i know. I woke up on saturday at like 12 when jessica called me telling me i had no choice and she was coming to pick me up to go watch some cross country meet in shawnee. It was so boring. we first got lost and it took us like an hour to get there and finally made it when the race was practically over. We promptly left and then drove the hour home. we then proceded to help Jenna set up for her party she had. It was heritage hall's homecoming and Jenna was having a huge party. They then took me home so i could get ready while they went to the dance. Then at like 930 i met them at the party and I got so drunk. At like 230 i called rosie and stacy and made them come get me. It was so funny because shareen was in the back of the car and she was drunk also so we were being so annoying nad rosie and stacy wanted to kill us but it was worth it. We all went to ihop and then they took me home, i passed out and then woke up at like 730 and got really sick. Ive never had a hangover before but now i know what one feels like. Today ive just been lounging around and sleeping off my hangover. well thats my weekend.

So today was a typical monday, i didnt wake up untill 3rd hour which is a usual occurence for me. I have stagecraft 2nd hour and they never take attendence in there but i think they are starting to catch on that im never there so i think i might be failing which is not very good at all. I hate school so much, not so much the whole education thing its just the school in general i litterally have no friends at north. I sit through school all day waiting to go see my friends. The shit i put myself through for debate amazes me and sometimes kinda freaks me out. nothing really that exciting has happened so i guess im going to stop writing now.

so ive decided to make a online journal thing. It seems like its the new trend or whatever. I realize that most likely no one will view this, however i think its good for me to write down what is going on in my life. This weekend i went to St. Marks to watch, i didnt get to debate because of the lack of a winning record i have on the national circuit. mark and dustin went 2-3 the first day and ended up 3-3 at the end of prelims. I wanted them to do well so badly, mostly i wanted mark to do well. He gives me a lot of shit but he works so hard and wants to get a bid so badly thats its hard not to feel bad for him when he doesnt break. Dustin told me at the end of his 6th round that he didnt want to debate anymore because it was a waste of money and they werent doing well, i told him that he was just upset because of not breaking and i legitimitly thought they could end up getting a bid this year. We really didnt talk about it that much after that but i hope he realizes mark needs him this year. This whole weekend made me think A LOT about debate. Watching all these amazing debaters made me want to work harder to get where they are at. Oh another funny event that happened this weekend was on thursday night. I took stacy with me to the ice machine so i could get a cup of ice, after i got my cup of ice Stacy decided that she would fill up the ice bucket with ice as well as the bag that was put in it. It was a SHITLOAD of ice. after we got all of this ice we didnt exactly know what we were going to do with it and decided to go check on the boys, this is at like 3 in the morning. They are all asleep and we bang on the door untill nick answers and stacy throws the bucket of ice on him and I laugh and then throw my ice at him too. somehow ice ends up ALL OVER there room, Rosie then came and screamed and made us clean it all up. After stacy and i were done cleaning it up I stand up and jordan proceeds to throw 2 cups of water all over my WHITE shirt. I was so embaressed and ran to our room and changed. Overall this weekend was very fun. today has been so boring, ive litterally have been sitting on the computer since 12 and it is now 615. Im such a loser, i havent even been doing anything productive....sigh....